


the things i do for love

by taffeta



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Drugs, Guillermo's complacency in leading innocent people to their death is questionable at best, M/M, Nadja is a misandrist and we stan!!!, inappropriate cuddling with your boss, men with the emotional range of a backed up truck stop toilet get high, mentions of crossfit, two guys chilling on the couch none feet apart cause they are gay, unexpected trips to new jersey, work boundaries are being pushed to the ABSOLUTE LIMIT
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-21
Updated: 2019-06-21
Packaged: 2020-05-15 12:59:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19296250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taffeta/pseuds/taffeta
Summary: Getting high and committing three counts of first degree murder as team bonding or this is a story about how Nandor gets himself too fucking stoned to go clubbing and cuddles with his intern equivalent





	the things i do for love

**Author's Note:**

> there’s weed smoking in this sorry kiddies  
> I wrote this while listening to vengabus on repeat so you know this was taken very seriously

For the most part Guillermo felt sort of bad about sacrificing virgins to a coven of vampires. Of course, to become a vampire meant having to make these kinds of bodily sacrifices, whether it be of his own flesh or (hopefully) somewhere else’s. But sometimes, especially when he was hauling their bodies to the backyard, placing their drained corpses on his handy-dandy heavy duty tarp and ripping fresh meat and entrails apart, he kinda felt like a right asshole. 

But tonight, listening to the three douchebros sitting across the bar as they brayed on about carbo loading and muscle gains, he was pretty sure that these guys needed to kick the bucket. 

“Yeah dude, I started crossfit like two months ago and man, man it’s not even about the muscle anymore it’s about staying dedicated, bro, it’s a lifestyle now—“

The other two nodded in agreement. The motherfucker on the far right even took a long swig from his Blenderbottle, and Guillermo ground his teeth; in his skull four words bounced around his brain on repeat ‘is it worth it is it worth it is it worth it’

He had followed these guys from their Wednesday night session at the local crossfit gym, trailing behind them a car back, and slipped through the doors of this local scummy Staten Island dive bar. They probably didn’t come this way much often; the one with the bright yellow and black muscle tee asked the bartender for a drink menu and gluten-free, low carb options. And the bartender handed him a blue moon and hobbled away.

“Dude, this place blows,” the middle fool puffed on his vape, blowing fat rips, “Where are the fine bitches, my guy? Who would’ve thought this shitty bar would be dead on a Wednesday?’

“Yeah, Steve, this sucks dick.” The protein-shake muscle head shot at the other one. Guillermo took the cue to stand up, and they eyed him closely. 

“You guys looking for a real party?” Guillermo leaned forward and lowered his voice, so they would have to quiet down to hear him. The three stooges’ leaned in close too, and Guillermo smiled. Feeding time. 

 

“Once in a while, Gizmo, you-“ Laszlo burped and it send Nadja into a hysterical fit of laughter, holding onto her husband’s forearm so she didn’t fall over, “sometimes you come through! What a pleasant treat for an otherwise boring-as-shit Wednesday night!”

Still laughing like a madwoman, Nadja picked up the severed head of the guy who’d been vaping at the bar only a little more than an hour ago, lifting it high and drinking from the still bleeding neck wound.

“Look at me, silly American male,” she opened and shut his dead mouth in a macabre puppet show, that would’ve probably freaked Guillermo out more if he wasn’t stoned out of his gourd, “Oh no, I am late for my fitness classes!” 

She giggled herself into a stupor and dropped the head to the floor, where it rolled under a table. Guillermo made a note to collect that during the daytime. 

“What a stupid idiot! Prattling along about his silly fit-cross and his muscles,” Nadja made a point to step on his dead body as she, Laszlo and the newest member of the group Jenna (which filled Guillermo with a white-hot rage every time she stepped into a room, with her vampire-ness and himself still dreadfully human), “you see how helpful these ‘gains’ are now!”

“Where are you three going?” Nandor slurred at them, slumped on the couch, wonderfully sleepy and high. Next to him, Guillermo puffed on what he initially thought was a vape pen from dead douchebro #2. It hadn’t been tobacco at all. He should’ve figured that Douchey McCrossfit would be smoking weed in the middle of a public space. His master looked about ready to pass out cold at any second, and Guillermo wasn’t faring any better. 

“Out,” Laszlo said, “We heard about this hip-happening new spot for vampires in Hoboken.”

“Hoboken? New Jersey?” Guillermo raised an eyebrow.

“That’s why we had to wait until we got high.” Nadja shrugged, holding on to her charge Jenna so she didn’t fall on her face. It had been her first time partaking in drug blood, her first time doing any sort of mind-altering substance; she swayed between Laszlo and Nadja, giggling to herself softly.

“I wouldn’t be caught dead in New Jersey sober. Also I promised Jenna we’d go flying soon so…killing two owls with one stone tonight. Nandor, will you be partaking?”

His master looked barely able to stand up at that point, much less take a trip across the river to New Jersey. Nandor grunted noncommittally, snickering and waved his arm, beckoning them to go.

“I’ll catch up. First, let me,” he burped loudly, and directly in Guillermo’s face; it smelled like he’d swallowed eight pounds of pennies, “let me rest. I’ll take a cab.” 

“That’s what you get for draining a whole human by yourself, greedy fucker. And you know damn well I called dibs first!” 

“I was hungry, Laszlo!” Nandor wailed. 

“And now you get to stay in the house with Gizmo cause you’re too fucking drunk to go out!” Laszlo shot back. 

“Bye, Guillermo,” Jenna said, waving her hand drunkenly, “thanks for the drug blood!” 

They stumbled out of the front door. Suddenly, he was left alone in the house, in charge of caring for his master, who was absolutely off the shits. 

“Ah, Guillermo, you are a wonderful little man!” Nandor threw an arm around his familiar’s shoulders, pulling him enough that their cheeks touched; Guillermo was mildly surprised at how cold the rest of Nandor’s body was, although he had felt his hands before (they had been ice cold and he snuck it in during the daytime, when his master was fast asleep) but didn’t flinch away. Somewhere in his stupid brain an alarm flashed, with the words ‘hey, dumbass, this is your boss your cuddling with!’. 

 

“We’re high on the drug blood, and you are high on the drugs!” Nandor snickered, finding their present situation hilarious. Guillermo, also being high on-not drug blood but regular drugs, found this just as hilarious, and, like two ten-year-old boys that just discovered the word piss, they laughed themselves silly. 

“Guillermo,” When they laughed themselves into silence, Nandor swayed, drunkenly resting his chin on top of his familiar’s head, “a night like this is just what I needed. What with being hunted by the Vampiric Council, accidentally killing my granddaughter—“

“You mean great-great-great-“

“Don’t interrupt me Guillermo, I am trying to be heartfelt!” Nandor slurred, leaning almost his entire body weight into his companion. 

“Truly you are the…” he trailed off, snickering, “my thoughts, Guillermo! All over the place tonight. Probably because of the drugs.”

“Probably because of the drugs.” Guillermo agreed quietly, pressing his face deeper into the vampire’s coat because he wasn’t sure how long his master would allow his kind of work-inappropriate touching. Nandor didn’t have any sort of body odor that Guillermo could ever smell but his clothes carried with them the light scent of old moth balls and faint mildew. Of extremely old items, not a bad smell in his opinion. 

There was a long pause between sentences, so long that Guillermo thought that his master had perhaps fallen asleep. Nandor was snoring heavily (which, if Guillermo was a smidge less high, he would’ve questioned) and his long hair also covered Guillermo. Thinking his master was fast asleep, he brushed it onto his own shoulder. 

“You are a good friend, Guillermo,” Nandor said suddenly, startling him, “you will make an even better vampire. Someday.” 

Through his weed-induced stupor, Guillermo actually felt his heart skip at beat. 

“Someday…soon?” 

“Do not push it, Guillermo. In fact, you will forget I said that.” Nandor stroked the top of his familiar’s head. Within a couple minutes, the vampire was snoring loudly again, still leaning uncomfortably heavy against him, one arm wrapped around Guillermo’s waist. Giggling from his high, Guillermo let the drunk Nandor fall completely onto the couch on his side. He tucked himself under his master’s chin, nose in the vampire’s pale, cold neck. He threw an arm around Nandor, still snoring loudly. 

Guillermo sighed happily. “Already forgotten, master.”

————————

**Author's Note:**

> And then Colin Robinson wakes them up to tell them about how weed is a gateway drug effectively ruining their high 
> 
> Anyway here’s a piece of unused dialogue that I couldn’t find a place for 
> 
> “Lazlo, the last time we got drunk on drug blood someone died.” 
> 
> “People die everyday, Nadja!”


End file.
